Guest post from Insanity Mondays; by Jeanie White

Updated: Mar 28

Guest writer for mynzdreamblog

Part five

It's amazing to think about all a person has been through and survived; emotionally, physically, and mentally. We go through so much and yet we still live our lives and push through the hard times like it's not as important as we believe it is. I have come to realize that the system has a way of dividing its people, and we play into their hands every day.

I grew up surrounded by racist family and friends, but I never allowed their behavior or views to change who I was or how I saw the people in my life. A lot of people refuse to see others for who they are and instead judge them based on the lessons they decided to learn the hard way. Most individuals spend their whole lives hiding behind “masks” they created in order to hide who they truly are out of fear. Fear that others will judge them or look down upon them because of who they really are.

I used to wonder why people were so scared of just speaking from the heart or saying what they thought. It’s like when someone hurts you and you just take it instead of standing up for yourself and saying “hey, you hurt me.” You can’t hide from the world and then get mad when people don't understand you.

I learned fast that if something bothers me to speak up because no one will know how I feel or what I think if I don't say anything. If you don't understand something or someone, ask questions until you do understand. If someone is trying to communicate with you, then listen and try to understand them. We make life so difficult because we fight most of the feelings we have. The feelings and emotions we have are our subconscious mind talking and guiding us along our paths. When we don't follow our feelings and intuition, we tend to make mistakes.

It's okay to make mistakes though because mistakes are simply lessons we need to learn the hard way. Those who refuse to see their mistakes and learn from them have a tendency to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I know I did at one point because I didn't quite understand what my mind and body were telling me. I learned fast how to pay attention to my inner self so I could heal from my past.

I find myself awake at 5 in the morning writing because it's hard for me to sleep with so much on my mind. I keep thinking about what I want out of life. I find myself searching for what I feel is missing in me. There was a point in my life where I just wanted to escape. It was at that point in my life that I stopped feeling safe. At 5 years old, I realized I was my only true friend. I trusted no one but my inner voice. I was hurt emotionally, I was in pain physically, and I was mentally broken.

I stayed this way for far longer than I care to admit to anyone other than myself. I built walls to keep people out so no one could hurt me again. Those walls were never stronger than my heart though because I kept letting people in. Unfortunately, a lot of those people hurt me as well. Over and over again I would build up my walls and tear them down for those who wouldn't even take the time to climb over my walls or breakthrough them on their own.

As a child, it opened my eyes to a truth I didn't understand until I got older. It was my fault because I allowed people to treat me how they wanted to without correcting them when they hurt me. I feared what standing up for myself would cause. I didn't want to get beat up, yelled at, or made fun of simply for speaking my mind. So, I silenced my voice instead and submitted to my fears in order to protect myself. I only hurt myself, though. When I bury my negative emotions and thoughts, they become like toxic sludge seeping into my mind and then spreading throughout my body like cancer, eating away at all that I am and destroying that which I love and hold dear to my heart.

I learned that life hurts. If I am not strong enough to handle the pain, life could very well kill me in the blink of an eye. I found out fast that I could kill myself before my time if I lost control of my mind. I walked a fine line for a long time. Life was hard, but it wasn't all dark and painful. I viewed blue skies and had some good times as well. On my hardest days, it was those good days that saved me. I found life difficult to understand, but it never stopped me from trying to figure it out. I felt a deep need to understand life itself. I was so lost when I started looking for answers that I feared my own failure. I am no one special and that thought makes me believe I am less than how I really feel. I feel like a bad guy anytime I speak my mind.

I find life rather impossible at times. Impossible to think, act, or speak as I should. Impossible to remember all the rules and regulations that society places on the shoulders of the people. I find it impossible to keep up with all the issues going on in the world. Impossible to keep up with the truth hidden beneath all the lies. I find myself lost among so many others. Trying to find a place in the world is like playing a game of musical chairs. Just when you think you found your chair and you are safe, someone pushes you down and takes your seat.

Life seems to be more struggle and fight than comfort and peace. My dad always told me that we find strength in our struggles and wisdom in the fights we win and lose. I believe that says a lot about the people's character as a whole. It says a lot about us as individuals as well. I watch a lot of history, discovery, and science channels and I can see how far we have walked as a species. We have come so far as a people. Even when life seems impossible, we still push forward. We still fight to climb the mountain every day.

We break our backs working to survive in a cruel and hateful world. We try hard not to be corrupted by a corrupt system, but many fail. Even this is taking root in the minds of the weak and blind that stumble around in the darkness trying to find a light and coming up empty-handed. I think about these things so much sometimes that it makes my head hurt.

I've come so far in my life and yet not far enough. It took me a long time to find the path I was meant to walk and now that I am on that path, I want to run to the end but I know I can't, so I simply take it all one day at a time. I keep moving, keep inspiring, and keep helping those who need me, even if it is just a few simple words that they are asking for. I follow my heart while also listening to the mind I was given. At times it is difficult because they don't always agree, but with a little common sense and logic, I can usually work out any issue I find myself facing.

I'm not perfect, though. I get so lost at times I start thinking I will never find my way back to the beginning. So where it all fell apart for me. Most days I just feel stuck in the darkness without any lights to guide me or even help me. I scream, cuss, kick, and thrash, but no one can hear me, and those who do hear me choose to simply ignore me and my cries for help. I learned too early that you can only depend on yourself. I find it easy to forget the world when I am alone, though. It's easy to forget everything when I am alone. No past, no future, just the Here and now. Just me. It's like being blind, deaf, and dumb, but still being able to see here and think without judgment or stress resting on my shoulders. It's just peaceful, quiet, and comfortable.

The power of thought is unmatched in this world. It is in thought that truth is found. When you look deep enough, you find answers to questions you never asked. So what is a thought? In my opinion, a thought is an inner monologue of sorts. We all have a voice in our heads that sounds and talks like we do. When we think silently to ourselves about ideas, memories, dreams, wishes, what-ifs, or past mistakes, we are having thoughts. We spend years trying to silence our thoughts. Wasting time on thoughtless work. Self-medicating with mind-altering drugs in order to rid ourselves of the thoughts that won't go away or trying to understand the thoughts that decide to stay.

It is easy to get lost in our thoughts if we are unhappy with life. If we think about our thoughts enough, sometimes we can bring them into reality. Knowing these things, I try to control what I think about. Instead of focusing on the negative things in life, I try to stay focused on the positive things in life. It isn't always easy, but no one said life would be easy. I read a lot about the laws of attraction and the one thing I learned from my studies is that most people don't think about the universal laws that govern our world. If more people understood these simple laws, I believe more people would be happy. Ignoring what is inside is a good way of remaining unhappy.

Are so many thoughts in my head these days. So much knowledge I've never really studied. I know it though. My mind is becoming less scattered and more organized. People are beginning to hear my words. A few have understood, and that allowed me to work out a lot of my more confusing thoughts. It is a slow process, but I've always been a pretty patient person. I think most people believe I am crazy and with my PTSD I don't blame them for judging me or failing to truly understand me. No one can ever judge me as much as I tend to judge myself.

As a child, I had very little control over what happened to me. It wasn't until I took control of my life and told someone what my father was doing to me (behind closed doors and any time we were alone or he had an itch he forced me to scratch for him) that my life changed. Growing up with my mom, I was forced to hand control of my life to her and that was okay for a while, but then, as an adult, I hated not having control. The truth is, though, that in trying to control everything in my life, I eventually lost control and went back down to rock bottom. I was ready to give up because I believe the lies I was telling myself. I became the person everyone thought I was and allowed others' pain to combine with my own and changed me in ways I didn't really want to change.

I got lost in the darkness of life and it took me a few years to find the light of life again. It wasn't until I gave control up to fate or destiny that I found the peace and wholeness I was searching for. It's hard to explain how it happened, but it did. I fell a few times in the past, but I didn't give up and every time I fell, I stood back up and kept going. My body may have been still a few years, but that was only because I was growing my mind and searching for the answers to questions I asked myself. I have found the path I am meant to walk and I will keep walking it until my heart gives out and God sends me home again.

I was asked once what I wanted out of life. Back then I didn't really know what to say, so I said simply “I want to be happy”. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had given a fully loaded answer. I was about 10 at the time and I can't remember who it was by name, but it was a lady who lived in my neighborhood. She worked at the church I went to as a kid with my friends. During one of our Wednesday Bible studies, we went to the church lady who had asked me that loaded question and I replied with a loaded answer. Did I even know what happiness was at 10 years old? I can honestly say I did not.

I found myself searching for the image of happiness. Looking for the fake happiness I saw on TV and read about in novels. I found it easy to get lost in the fairytale that I almost forgot reality was where I lived. It was harder to break the hold my dreams had on me. Society tried to mold me into this lovesick consumer who would always want more and better. I was told to never settle for anything but “the best”. Is it really settling if you're happy, though? I'd consider happiness a goal. That's just me, I suppose. Happiness seems hard to find for so many and yet they give it up so easily and for what, “the best”?

What is “the best”? Why are the ones we claim to love not enough? Perhaps the answers were side within one salt. Are we enough for ourselves or are we simply searching for the best in ourselves, only to come up short? We portray ourselves to be perfect and yet we are all flawed in some way. Even the flaws others can't see seem to haunt our chaotic minds while leaving scars on our hearts. Wallowing in the “what ifs” and “could have been”. Our own fears and insecurities hold us back from true happiness. We put up walls and dig holes in order to hide from those we see as unworthy or below us.

We find ourselves upset with people who treat us as we treat them, not realizing our own actions have consequences. When do we stop opening our eyes to what the true life has to offer us all? When do we stop searching for the Fairy Tail and become happy with those we have in our lives? When do we start to live up to the expectations we place on those we care about? We set expectations for ourselves and yet most never follow through with them. Why should they if everyone else doesn't? Am I crazy about my thoughts? Most believe so. It's okay, I would rather be crazy than blind.

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