Updated: Apr 4
Guest writer for "mynzdreamblog"
It is easy to forget who you are when so many people try to turn you into someone you are not. I spent so much time trying to live up to others' expectations of me; that I failed to see my own expectations.
Others' hatred made me hateful, but that isn't who I am. Many believed in “an eye for an eye”, but I never wanted to be blind, so I refused to do to others what they did to me. I knew what pain felt like, so if I could heal another's pain, I did so. Many people tell me to just mind my business. Sometimes I can be tough on those I love. I never push them over the edge. I only try to make them see the things that I see. I want the best for everyone in my life and I push those who refuse to push themselves, but then I inadvertently fail in pushing myself farther.
I can give the excuse that I only do it because I don't want to leave behind those I love, but is that true? In a way, yes, but another part of me feels that if I push myself, I will end up alone in life and that's not something I want. Not that I don't like my alone time, but being alone all the time with only my thoughts could drive me crazy in the long run.
I feel like I fight every day to be who I see in the mirror. It's not so easy to stay positive in a negative world. The harder I search for the light, the darker it gets in my mind. Is that normal? I remember a time in my life when the light was all I saw, but then everything changed for me in the blink of an eye. Darkness became my new friend, and the light that sat within my eyes slowly faded into the background of my mind.
It was never easy to walk through the world faking my feelings, all because others told me my feelings were wrong. It was never easy wearing a smile when I wanted to frown. It was never easy to laugh when I wanted to cry, but I did it because it was better than watching the pity shine through the eyes of those I cared about. Life hasn't been easy, but I love it because honestly, I'm sure there is a reason I am here at this time.
I have always believed everything happens for a reason. Even if we don't know what that reason is, there is one. If life is just moments in time, how long before that time ends and the moments are gone? I have been lost for so long that I may never find the path I am meant to be on. I second guess myself so often and refuse to take chances because others told me I was a failure. Instead of believing in myself, I listen to them and truly fail because I have allowed them to hold me back with their own insecurities.
Those emotions being pushed into my psyche are enough to make me crazy. It has gotten worse since I lost my dad (stepdad). Losing him, I felt like I lost it all, even myself for too long, it seems. Watching the man who raised me, protected me, cared for me, and taught me how to take care of myself; slowly fade away was the hardest thing I ever really did. That says a lot about who I am, especially with my past.
I watched my dad take his last breath. I spent all night watching him breathe. I sat next to him and ran my hand over his face, remembering every line and crinkle. Memorizing the feel of every beard hair upon his face. I held his hand and remembered how hard he worked to provide for us all and memorized every callous scar that marred his hands and arms. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his shallow breathing and slow heartbeat. I took in the smell of his soap and the essence that surrounded him.
For weeks, we talked about anything and everything just so I could remember the sound of his voice and his words of wisdom. Watching the man who raised and loved me like his own slowly fade away from cancer. It was hard, but I was blessed because I had the chance to take all of him into my memory and say goodbye to him until death finds me as it did him..
I once thought my dad was invincible. I used to tell everyone he would live forever because even in his sixties, he could run circles around the young boys who worked for him. Cancer had other ideas for our family. Within a month of finding out he had stage 4 cancer, he was gone. I miss him every day, but I hold him close to my heart and life to make him proud. He once told me that I could do anything if I only set my mind to it. Growing up, I sometimes set my mind on the wrong things, but always with the best intentions. "You get what you give", was something I was always taught but not something I always believed in.. I knew from an early age that Karma was hard to handle sometimes, especially when you start paying for those childhood mistakes you thought didn't matter because the adults and older kids got away with it. I learned fast that the older generation was smarter about how they did things, at least for a while, until those sins took over.
I realized that too much overthinking and not enough enjoyment in life creates imbalances. The imbalance creates chaos and forces change. I learned that in elementary school. I feel as though no one paid attention in basic science class. Most were too busy trying to act grown believing learning what they were taught in school was pointless. Most failed in that basic knowledge (or common sense if you will) to worry about trying to control everything they themselves created, forgetting that God already did that many times before and it never worked..
My dad always told me..
"You can try every which way you want, but at the end of the day, even God knows what you are thinking because God is the very thing that holds our world together.. God is all things. I'm not talking about the man that men painted God to be to better understand him but the universe that so many take for granted and try to take credit for discovering".-Charles White.
That is just what my dad raised me to believe, though, because he wasn't a religious man and he didn't go to church. The thing was, I had all the trust in the world for him (he didn't have to love me or protect me because I wasn't his blood but he did, and even after my blood father destroyed me with his own sick behavior). Growing up, to me, my dad was God-made flesh. I was the Child he never could have but the one he claimed in the end when it mattered. That showed me what was real. Even after he passed away, his words are still deep inside me because I soaked up everything he said and he was the wisest man I knew..