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Insanity Mondays: By Jeanie White

Life afterward wasn't what I was expecting it to be. I thought life would be simple. I thought I would be safe. I expected my dreams to come true, even if I had not yet figured out what my dreams were. Turns out I was wrong.


For a while things were fine. Mentally I was strong, and I put my past aside so I could be a kid. I pretended to be normal, like my friends. I followed my friends into trouble just to say I wasn't scared. Unfortunately, I told someone about my past that I thought I could trust to keep my secret but they blabbed to their brother and that brother mentioned it to a few friends and before I even knew what was happening; I had boys in my neighborhood cornering me in all kinds of places. They all had decided I was no longer a virgin, and that meant I was open for sex. I don't think any of them wanted to hurt me and most only tried once (I was not a pushover and many boys got a knee in their family jewel box and that was enough to keep them away from me) but there were a few who I tried to stay away from because of how they acted.


I remember there was one boy in particular that I tried to stay away from because he had pinned me in the corner of the church parking lot that was behind our houses and freaked me out. I won't say his name because he is no longer important, but he was more forceful than the other boys had been and he was in the older crowd of kids, the ones in high school, so I didn't really know him well. The first time he cornered me I was playing hide and seek with my friends, I think I was about 11 yrs old. I was hiding behind a building that was in the church parking lot behind the houses on our block. It was a safe place for us kids to play during the week because there was no real car traffic back there. There was a space about 2 feet wide behind the building and a cement wall that separated the area from the neighbor's driveway. It was a good place to hide if you were not scared of spiders or bugs. The wall the building was backed up to was only about four feet high, and most of us kids could jump up on it in order to climb onto the roofs of the carports next door. He was coming down the alley towards me.


I was so busy looking out for my friend that I didn't hear or see him until it was too late. He must have seen me from over the wall because he hopped it and landed behind me in one quick movement. I heard the gravel move behind me and spun around just in time for him to pin me against the building and cover my mouth to muffle my scream. My body froze, and I knew my eyes grew three sizes in that moment. As my dad would say, I am sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I quickly found my senses though and started speaking under his hand.

I was trying to tell him to get off of me, but he kept his hand over my mouth and used his body to keep me in place. Slowly his knee came to my shaking knees, and he spread them apart. It was mid-summer, so I was in long loose-fitted shorts and a tee shirt. I didn't wear short shorts or tank tops as a kid because I felt too vulnerable if I wasn't properly covered.


As his knee rose toward my most private area, he used his other hand to feel at my chest. It was at that moment that my knee came up and contacted his boy parts and he lost his breath and went weak in the knees just long enough for me to push him over and run in the opposite direction like my dad's work partner had taught me. I was so scared I ran past my friend on my way home and didn't stop until I ran through the store door and into my stepdad's waiting arms. As soon as he saw me come running through the door, he knew something was wrong. He picked me up and let me cry in his arms until I had cried all I could. After I had calmed myself down, my dad asked me what happened. I thought for a bit and then told my stepdad that one of the older boys was just picking on me and it had hurt my feelings. At the time I didn't know how my s