Jeanie will bring to us once a week musings from her mind to our screen.
We all have choices in life to make. Those choices lead us down different paths.
I could have chosen to do better in school, I could have gotten a scholarship to a college of my choice, and my parents would have paid the difference if I needed them to. I could have studied hard and put in the long hours, filling my brain with knowledge. I could have participated in all the extra circular activities like others my age. I could have been a genius with nothing holding me back. I could be one of those intelligent people you see on TV or in DC. I could have saved up my money and traveled the world. I could be someone people listened to and respected.
I could have been the wild child without a care in the world. I could have snuck out to a party with my friends. I could have slept around with all the boys. I could have been the girl all the boys wanted to get with. I could have been the girl who ended up pregnant at 14, wondering what the heck am I going to do with my life now. I could be married with 6 kids and a husband who sleeps with his secretary when he says he is working late. I could have been the loner on drugs just trying to get by. I could have been the junkie dead on the street because I couldn't get over the fact that my father raped me when I was only 3 years old.
My point is, I could have been a lot of things. It says a lot about my character and how I was raised. That I am not a lot of these things with the past I have is amazing. I mean, one out-of-control moment could have ended it all for me. I knew the life I was given when I was born was a life I wanted to live. I knew the family I was being born into. Every step I took, every choice I made, and every emotion I felt lead me to this life, and I can honestly say I am blessed to have it.
Growing up, I went through a lot of things. I had PTSD from my father's mistreatment of me. I found myself having to protect and care for myself at a very young age. I didn't trust anyone completely because I somehow knew eventually they would break that trust and I didn't want that to happen because I felt lonely. I was a shy kid and one who didn't go out a lot unless I had someone to play with. If I didn't have anyone to play with, you could find me in front of the TV watching cartoons, reading a book, writing, drawing, or just staring off into space like I'm lost in thought. My stepdad would usually come to find me before long sitting somewhere and convince me he needed my help in the shop or garage and only I could do it most of the time because of how small I was. I do what was asked of me and either stick around and help more or go back to what I was doing until someone yelled for me again. When I did go play with friends, it didn't take long for someone to start picking on me or for me to feel uncomfortable. If I said anything, I got bullied more and called names. If I ignored the words and people, I was scared or a sissy for not standing up for myself. If I did stand up for myself, I was scolded for getting upset in the first place because it was just my friends joking around.
It didn't take long for my little world to become very confusing to live in. I felt like a Stretch Armstrong doll being pulled in a million different directions. It was so much more than my little brain could process. Soon I found my way through the confusion and darkness, though. Soon I heard my own voice calling me to it. Begging me to find it and let it free. It took me years, but I think I finally did it. I finally found the voice that was calling out to me. I must admit I made some choices along with the why most didn't agree with me, but for me, I had to do what I did so I could learn what I felt I needed to learn.
The knowledge I was given as a child, the wisdom I found as I walked my path, and the truth I sought out to find along the way all lead me to where I am today so I can't regret the mistakes I made I can simply learn from them.
Insanity At Its Best